Second Best
by Pairadicelost
Summary: Buffy reflects on Angel and the death of someone close to him.


  
**Title: **08-01-2002   
**Author: **Hiruko   
**Posted: **08-01-2002   
**Rating: **PG   
**Email: **hiruko_dark@hotmail.com   
**Content: **Character Death, angst B/A (even though I despise it) and C/A   
**Summary: **Buffy reflects on Angel and the death of someone close to him.   
**Spoilers: **None   
**Disclaimer: **The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.   
**Distribution: **Nothing Fancy, of course. Anyone else, please email me.   
**Notes: **ust a short fic I wrote in 10 minutes. Possibly a longer story brewing in it.   
**Feedback: **Send it to me.   


* * *

I thought she would never die. I thought, that if anyone, she of all people would go on.   
  
We stood over her grave and I stood behind him, observing him silently. He was deeply tanned now, accomplished by sitting for endless hours by the ocean, yet next to the grave, he was almost as pale as when I first met him. Nonetheless, it still amazed me to see him in the sunlight, and it made me sad to think that she would never get the chance to see him like this. It was all she ever wanted, and now she would never get that reward.  
  
The two of them had a history together that I could never compete with, could probably never understand. And although I would never tell him this, I was jealous…jealous of this dead woman and what she was and probably still is to him. And I hate myself for feeling this way. Despised the fact that he had loved her, even while he loved me. I know I'm being a hypocrite. After all, I'm the one who wrote the book on moving on, but it pains me to know that I'm not the only one he loved with all his soul…and his now beating heart.   
  
Yes, I do know that he loved her. Loved her with more passion than he'd admit. I sometimes wonder if he hides it to protect me? He boxes away those memories and feelings and buries them within his mind, growing hostile if anyone dares to bring up the past. Does he fear reminding me of what the two of them had? Or does he want to keep those feelings to himself, unwilling to share in her memory and what once was?   
  
He loves me, this I am at least certain of. I can tell by his gentleness, by his adoring eyes and caresses. But the one thing I'm not certain of, and probably never will be, is whether or not he came to me out of pity. He knew how much I needed him, how much pain I was in. I sometimes wonder if I forced him to be with me, and then I look at what we have and I brush those thoughts away. He would never have given her up for something that was lesser. It wasn't in his character…he would never have done anything like that…unless…unless she asked him to. And for some reason, what had once been inconceivable, seemed very conceivable now. The woman I despised in high school, and at times envied, had changed as I had…and it seemed very plausible that she would have given up her own happiness for mine.  
  
When the thought crossed my mind, I stared hard at the gravestone, as if it could give me answers. That, somehow, she would be able to crawl out of her grave and reassure me that I was never his second choice, but his only choice. And I realized how selfish I was. Here was a woman who had died fighting for the greater good, and all I could think about was whether or not she forced the love of my life to stay with me.   
  
I looked guilty at him, ashamed at my thoughts, but his eyes were not focused on me at all. They were fixated on the stone, and I could almost feel the grief coming off of him in waves. I stepped back, realizing that he could not gain closure with me there. That he could not say goodbye in my presence.   
  
I began to walk back to the car, shivering slightly as I felt wet droplets falling on my arm. Looking up at the sky, I noticed clouds forming and the sun, slowly fading out. I looked behind me to see if he moved to get out of the rain, but the champion remained by his seer's side, as he always would.   
  
End.   



End file.
